Journals30
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Indecisive decision
2 min read
Hello, my watchers.
I don't know if anyone will read this or Maker forbid, seen this considering people seems to be leaving DA. But I'll be honest with you, I feel like to call it quits.
I know I mentioned that I'll be start my commission but I just felt like crap these days. Not all the time but there were times I want to just sleep and never wake up. I had my cheerful moments, thanks to my cats (lost one kitten though, poor Lucy) and video games that I can escape to. But depression thoughts always come back.
And sometimes I can't resist but fall down into the abyss. I'm not saying that I am going to kill myself. Oh no, I'll wait for an accident or slowly poison myself with consumption of unhealthy food. (I want to expire normally, thank you!) I'll bet all my money in my bank account that I will make a fetching Halloween decoration.
Off track. What I am trying to say is I don't feel like keeping my social media anymore. I'm too tired to post my drawing (who wants my shitty pieces anyway, amirite?) With the current events did not help with my mental health, no matter how much I tried to be aloof of it or swallow the screams threaten to release from my throat.
I am shackled and caged. It's what I am born into. Maybe one day the abyss will be my home.
Bye.
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bye for now
7 min read
I won't beat around the bush so I get it straight to the point. I am planing to quit. Or at least on hiatus again. On Deviantart and everywhere else. I'm not sure how long. Days, weeks, months. I don't know. I am not sure about all the projects I planed; W.I.T.C.H's concept arts, some gifts for ZIN and Versailles PQ and for you lot, my own original story, etc. I will still drawing and my account won't be deactivate because I may need some art refs and for you to support other artist who are better than me. i will uploading from time to time when i feel like it I hit rock bottom and I hit it hard. I feel useless. Honestly, if it weren't for my cats, I probably end a long time ago. Now, I'm just not sure. Normally, I would stop and think. I would told myself again and again that 'I can do better', 'I don't have time to think this again', 'Leave me alone', etc. But I can't.
I can't handle it anymore.
Because I'm never good enough. I never did. I am a useless piece of shit. I know I am. People saw me as a puppet with strings. Someone they can easily blame at. Obedient. Naive. Stupid. Honest.
Well, if they want honesty, I shall be. I will reveal all truths. All of them.
1. My father is a hypocrite.
First, let's talk about marriage. He constantly making problems to my mum since day one of their marriage. Years ago, before he has Facebook account, he met with this married woman in my sister's school. She had marriage problem. My dad talked to her. Which is fine. Talking, asking for outsider's opinion, give advise. That's fine. Texting until in the middle of the night. Exchanging affections and push mum away. No, that one is not. What he did when mum found out? He was furious at her. He just stood there when mum was hysterical. That's not all. He still fucking does it. I can't count how many times I was embarrassed in a restaurant every fucking time he give waitress a nice smile and asks about their day. Recently, he made a Facebook account to share his religious tips and stuffs. Which is fine too. But this part was where he talks to other women. The first one was from a travel agency, but she back off when my mum sent her a warning. The second was the look-pretty-in-selfie married woman and she has a lot of male admirers. My dad was one of them. My mum told him to back off. The third he still in contact to this day. She happen to share my age. Yes, 20 year old 'poor orphan girl'. Now, I don't mind people who are poor or an orphan. But I do mind if my dad planing to marry her. He was serious about this. Imagine my disgust. When mum confront him, he blamed it on her. Kept going on and on how my mum "always" on her tab playing mobile games. Mum even nearly left us to go to grandma. He begged her to stay when she proposed the idea of taking a break for a day. But when mum was at grandma, he went on as usual like nothing. You what excuse he used? 'She's an orphan', 'She's poor', 'She live in a poorer village'. You have orphan grandnephews/nieces. And you never bother or the poor neither. And she lives in another country, the same one you always triggered every time their license plate pass through on the road. This brings me to the other point.
Second, his feelings is the most important thing in the world. Sure, it's fine to get offended. But to my dad, it's the wealth of the world. You can't make a joke, can't clean the house properly, can't do anything basically. Once, my sister and I was planed to make a very small business. We just want to sell some pillow cases. Nothing fancy. But my dad told us to become suppliers for cars. Why? Because his friends did it and make money out of it. We know nothing about cars and want us to sell these items? It will be a disaster. In the end, we discard the idea. And there was this one time we suggest a different change of food, he outright decline it instantly. There is also another problem: he litters. The rubbish in the house, he threw them away in the man-made river, saying to food will be eaten by the fishes in the sea. Are the old school notes mum made and the feminine products by my sister and I will be eaten too? Don't think so. But that's not all. When he saw other people done the same, he went to full preach on laws and shits. That doesn't apply to you? Guess not in your head. I did advice him against this, we all are. But he refuse to listen. So, you'd listen all bullshits from your 'friends' instead of proper advice from your family? Load of bullshit.
Thirdly, he listen to outsiders' but not his family. On everything. Even follow a stupid recipes that doesn't make any sense whatsoever in Facebook than the proper one. One time he put ginger in all recipes. Ugh.
2. My brothers are no different.
My elder brother always going out, with friends, school or work. He always home late. When he was in Uni, he went home late in the morning because he was doing his 'work'. I haven't get into college or uni but I did went to sixth form school so I know how it works. I asked my classmates about this schedule and they told me it is rare for them to go home late. Hell, even art students had their moments. However, here's another thing. He always woke up late but if he has plans with his friends, he get up early. If the plans involving family, nope. Went to school early, dilly-dallying. Meeting with my classmate for art project, don't-bother-I-know-the-way-but-I-don't-care. At least he's a bit better now, since he's engaged. Still not forgive him for delivering death of my kitten with a smile and taken my tears lightly.
The younger brother of mine, he's an arse hole. Fucked role models at home so why bother? But he still do the stupidest things. He always do is never bother on anything as long as he gets what he wants. He never bother thinking to do chores, lighten up women of the family's burden, learning to cook simple meals (can't even crack an egg), etc. Still a spoiled child and has no respect for elderly.
3. Women here are tired of everything.
Mum nags most of the time because she's bored and scorned by dad. My sister has her own stuff now. And I am still useless. At least they didn't neglect me entirely like these men.
I can't feel happiness anymore. Everything is numb. I only feel rage when I faced death that one time.
why i bother. its not like anyone will read this anyway
I can't handle it anymore.
Because I'm never good enough. I never did. I am a useless piece of shit. I know I am. People saw me as a puppet with strings. Someone they can easily blame at. Obedient. Naive. Stupid. Honest.
Well, if they want honesty, I shall be. I will reveal all truths. All of them.
1. My father is a hypocrite.
First, let's talk about marriage. He constantly making problems to my mum since day one of their marriage. Years ago, before he has Facebook account, he met with this married woman in my sister's school. She had marriage problem. My dad talked to her. Which is fine. Talking, asking for outsider's opinion, give advise. That's fine. Texting until in the middle of the night. Exchanging affections and push mum away. No, that one is not. What he did when mum found out? He was furious at her. He just stood there when mum was hysterical. That's not all. He still fucking does it. I can't count how many times I was embarrassed in a restaurant every fucking time he give waitress a nice smile and asks about their day. Recently, he made a Facebook account to share his religious tips and stuffs. Which is fine too. But this part was where he talks to other women. The first one was from a travel agency, but she back off when my mum sent her a warning. The second was the look-pretty-in-selfie married woman and she has a lot of male admirers. My dad was one of them. My mum told him to back off. The third he still in contact to this day. She happen to share my age. Yes, 20 year old 'poor orphan girl'. Now, I don't mind people who are poor or an orphan. But I do mind if my dad planing to marry her. He was serious about this. Imagine my disgust. When mum confront him, he blamed it on her. Kept going on and on how my mum "always" on her tab playing mobile games. Mum even nearly left us to go to grandma. He begged her to stay when she proposed the idea of taking a break for a day. But when mum was at grandma, he went on as usual like nothing. You what excuse he used? 'She's an orphan', 'She's poor', 'She live in a poorer village'. You have orphan grandnephews/nieces. And you never bother or the poor neither. And she lives in another country, the same one you always triggered every time their license plate pass through on the road. This brings me to the other point.
Second, his feelings is the most important thing in the world. Sure, it's fine to get offended. But to my dad, it's the wealth of the world. You can't make a joke, can't clean the house properly, can't do anything basically. Once, my sister and I was planed to make a very small business. We just want to sell some pillow cases. Nothing fancy. But my dad told us to become suppliers for cars. Why? Because his friends did it and make money out of it. We know nothing about cars and want us to sell these items? It will be a disaster. In the end, we discard the idea. And there was this one time we suggest a different change of food, he outright decline it instantly. There is also another problem: he litters. The rubbish in the house, he threw them away in the man-made river, saying to food will be eaten by the fishes in the sea. Are the old school notes mum made and the feminine products by my sister and I will be eaten too? Don't think so. But that's not all. When he saw other people done the same, he went to full preach on laws and shits. That doesn't apply to you? Guess not in your head. I did advice him against this, we all are. But he refuse to listen. So, you'd listen all bullshits from your 'friends' instead of proper advice from your family? Load of bullshit.
Thirdly, he listen to outsiders' but not his family. On everything. Even follow a stupid recipes that doesn't make any sense whatsoever in Facebook than the proper one. One time he put ginger in all recipes. Ugh.
2. My brothers are no different.
My elder brother always going out, with friends, school or work. He always home late. When he was in Uni, he went home late in the morning because he was doing his 'work'. I haven't get into college or uni but I did went to sixth form school so I know how it works. I asked my classmates about this schedule and they told me it is rare for them to go home late. Hell, even art students had their moments. However, here's another thing. He always woke up late but if he has plans with his friends, he get up early. If the plans involving family, nope. Went to school early, dilly-dallying. Meeting with my classmate for art project, don't-bother-I-know-the-way-but-I-don't-care. At least he's a bit better now, since he's engaged. Still not forgive him for delivering death of my kitten with a smile and taken my tears lightly.
The younger brother of mine, he's an arse hole. Fucked role models at home so why bother? But he still do the stupidest things. He always do is never bother on anything as long as he gets what he wants. He never bother thinking to do chores, lighten up women of the family's burden, learning to cook simple meals (can't even crack an egg), etc. Still a spoiled child and has no respect for elderly.
3. Women here are tired of everything.
Mum nags most of the time because she's bored and scorned by dad. My sister has her own stuff now. And I am still useless. At least they didn't neglect me entirely like these men.
I can't feel happiness anymore. Everything is numb. I only feel rage when I faced death that one time.
why i bother. its not like anyone will read this anyway
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Hi
2 min read
I am... recovered? No, I am sort of there but not entirely.
i am still a wilted chili. i think no amount of water or fertilizer can save this one
I am back temporarily to my social media because of my recent fit. My mind was too chaotic for the last few months; two kittens died (one from accident & one due to lacking affection from its birth mother), my dad being a **** which in turn strained his relationship with my mum and stressing out the whole family, the lacking of any activity from my social media (social media is poisonous people!), Depression snare me again and again (she's a bitch), my brothers also a nasty ******************.
So, my steps of recovery is: I don't have time for all of this crap, avoiding social media all together (not even ghosting), find some funny videos that is not borderline annoying, watch One-punch Man season 2, watch Teen Titans Go! to the movies, welcoming new kittens (from different mothers), hunt internet arseholes without interacting with any of them (I'm basically laughing and screamed at my screen for them being an idiot) to satisfy my inner blood lust. can a chilli do nasty stuff without being guilty for once
However, it appears my depression come back again. In all honesty, I have the mind to just quits.
My Deviant art. Instagram. Twitter.
And I have the mind to end my life. Sleeping for eternity doesn't sound bad.
no one will miss me anyway
i am still a wilted chili. i think no amount of water or fertilizer can save this one
I am back temporarily to my social media because of my recent fit. My mind was too chaotic for the last few months; two kittens died (one from accident & one due to lacking affection from its birth mother), my dad being a **** which in turn strained his relationship with my mum and stressing out the whole family, the lacking of any activity from my social media (social media is poisonous people!), Depression snare me again and again (she's a bitch), my brothers also a nasty ******************.
So, my steps of recovery is: I don't have time for all of this crap, avoiding social media all together (not even ghosting), find some funny videos that is not borderline annoying, watch One-punch Man season 2, watch Teen Titans Go! to the movies, welcoming new kittens (from different mothers), hunt internet arseholes without interacting with any of them (I'm basically laughing and screamed at my screen for them being an idiot) to satisfy my inner blood lust. can a chilli do nasty stuff without being guilty for once
However, it appears my depression come back again. In all honesty, I have the mind to just quits.
My Deviant art. Instagram. Twitter.
And I have the mind to end my life. Sleeping for eternity doesn't sound bad.
no one will miss me anyway
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Disorientate mind of mine
1 min read
Hi.
I'm doing this. and depress and suffer and just fucking hate everything and cat therapy didn't help much
sent me to teh ranch or my dad cus hes a jerk or my brothers cuz theyre spoilled a bit or us 3 woman who cant stand the sight and attitude of these men
bye
& no one doing my prompt/challenge thing. feck all of it
I'm doing this. and depress and suffer and just fucking hate everything and cat therapy didn't help much
sent me to teh ranch or my dad cus hes a jerk or my brothers cuz theyre spoilled a bit or us 3 woman who cant stand the sight and attitude of these men
bye
& no one doing my prompt/challenge thing. feck all of it
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Challenge and Prompt
1 min read
Pick One
My instagram account just reached 100 followers!
So, I made a #drawthisinyourstyle challenge and a prompt!
Challenge:
-Draw this piece in your style (obviously)
-Feature date: the end of every month
Prompt:
-Draw any character (male or female) with flowers on their face
-Any flowers, any flower arrangement, get creative
-Be it a mask /their face/just hiding their face behind a bouquet
Tag me!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY SOCIAL MEDIA:
Twitter Instagram Tumblr Patreon
My instagram account just reached 100 followers!
So, I made a #drawthisinyourstyle challenge and a prompt!Challenge:
-Draw this piece in your style (obviously)
-Feature date: the end of every month
Prompt:
-Draw any character (male or female) with flowers on their face
-Any flowers, any flower arrangement, get creative
-Be it a mask /their face/just hiding their face behind a bouquet
Tag me!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY SOCIAL MEDIA:
Twitter Instagram Tumblr Patreon
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